After the Hunt
by gabiabi
Summary: After Kitsunegari, Mulder and Scully head on to start their next case but Mulder still can't let the memories go... been up before, nothing new that wasnt up the first time, just reposting.


Title: After the Hunt  
Author: Gabiabi  
Rating: G  
Spoilers: Kitsunegari  
Disclaimer: Any characters you recognise are not mine

"Mulder, are you okay?"  
  
"Sure Scully."  
  
"Do you want to talk about it?"  
  
"Talk about what, Scully? I told you, I'm okay."  
  
"You seem a bit... I don't know...distant."  
  
"I'm just tired Scully."  
  
"Have you not been sleeping well?"  
  
"You could say that, yeah."  
  
Mulder wasn't about to tell her that he wasn't even getting his usual four hours of sleep at night - that every time he closed his eyes, he saw something he would rather forget. Ever since that night at the warehouse where Linda Bowman had messed around with his mind, he'd had trouble even blinking for fear that the scene would be replayed once again. He'd kept as busy as he could for the past three days and was glad that they had a new case to keep his mind off it. He knew, however, that Scully was bound to notice that there was something wrong and he didn't really feel like talking about it with her. He knew that if he started talking, he would break down in front of her and he definitely didn't want that to happen so he had pretended to be engrossed in the case file, which he had already memorised, for the whole car journey. Now that they were nearing their destination, it seemed that Scully had become bored with the lack of conversation and was now determined to talk about something. Unfortunately for Mulder, she had decided that they were going to talk about him and what was wrong with him - the very thing he did not want to talk on. What's up?"  
  
"Nothing Scully. I told you - I'm just tired."  
  
"Then why didn't you sleep on the way here?"  
  
"I had to go over the case Scully."  
  
"That's BS Mulder. You had it all memorised before we even left - did you really think I would fall for that?"  
  
"Scully..."  
  
"No, Mulder. Tell me what's wrong. You've been acting out of sorts ever since we finished our last case and I want to know what the matter is."  
  
"It's not important."  
  
"If it's affecting you this much then it's important to you - and if it's important to you then it's important to me. So tell me."  
  
"Just leave it Scully."  
  
"No, I won't just leave it. Is it the Modell case - is that what's been upsetting you?"  
  
"It is the case, isn't it? Is it me...did I do something to piss you off? Is this all about me not believing you? - Because if it is, I already apologised for that and I'm still very sorry. I thought you said that you were okay with it..."  
  
"No, Scully -it's not you. I know you were only doing what you thought was right. Yes, it hurt a bit but I understand why you did it - I already told you that."  
  
"Then what is it Mulder? You've been acting like this ever since we came out of the warehouse...that's it! The warehouse - what happened before I arrived? You never did tell me."  
  
"This is the motel. I'll go check us in while you park the car."  
  
Mulder cut Scully off, jumping out of the only just stationary car and sprinted across the parking lot to the entrance to the reception. He was out with hearing distance by the time Scully realised he was going and she let out a loud sigh of frustration before driving across the almost empty car park to find a space nearest the motel. Mulder came back with the keys just as she was getting their bags out of the boot of the car. He handed hers to her, took his bag from her other hand and started to head across the car park towards his room.  
  
"Did you get adjoining rooms?"  
  
"No, they ... um...didn't have any. They're pretty full so I just got whatever rooms were free."  
  
"Mulder - the car park's empty. How can they be full up?"  
  
"Maybe they had lots of bookings."  
  
"Mulder it's nearly ten. How many people would book a motel room and not show up before now?  
  
"I don't know, do I?"  
  
"Mulder..."  
  
"Look I'll see you later. I'm going to go get some sleep."  
  
"Sure...Mulder..."  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"If you want to talk...or..."  
  
"I know where you are. Night Scully."  
  
"Night Mulder."  
  
Mulder had been getting annoyed with Scully's constant questioning and snapped at her when she called his name. When he heard what she was saying though, his voice softened and he was almost tempted to tell her right there and then what was wrong - almost. He moved quickly away from the car to his room leaving a puzzled Scully still standing at the car, room-key in hand. Picking up his speed he reached his room quickly and unlocked the door as fast as he could with his trembling hands.  
  
As soon as the door opened he walked into the room, slamming it shut behind him, and dropped his bag onto the floor. He rested the back of his head against the door and sank slowly to the ground as his legs gave way beneath him. He buried his face in his hands as the tears escaped his eyes and allowed himself to sob noisily, once, before gritting his teeth to suppress any others. Making the mistake of closing his eyes tightly to stop further tears from falling, he launched himself across the room to the bathroom as he once again relived the horrific image of his partner committing suicide. He made it to the toilet just in time as his dinner, which he'd eaten very little of hours before, was revisited.  
  
Whilst Mulder was throwing up, Scully was having a nice warm shower and trying to work out in her head what had gone on in the warehouse from what she knew already. She had no luck in figuring out what had Mulder so worked up and, defeated she plonked herself down on the bed, planning on watching TV. Her head had started to pound relentlessly from all the driving she had done so she took her can of coke out of her bag, needing something to take some aspirin with. The can was lukewarm from being in the car for so long and, looking in the bucket by the door, she found that there was no ice to cool it down with. She picked up the bucket and left her room to get some more ice since she hated the taste of coke when it wasn't chilled. Coming back from the ice machine, she realised that she had left her door key inside her room and the door had automatically locked behind her. Normally she would just knock on Mulder's door and get into her room through the connecting door but this time she would have to go to reception and get the spare key. She made her way to reception, hoping that someone would be behind the desk and she wouldn't have to wait too long. When she got there she found a young woman sat behind the desk, flicking through a magazine and chewing noisily on gum.  
  
"Excuse me. My name's Dana Scully. I'm staying in room 109 and I've locked myself out. Could I have the spare key please?"  
  
"Room 109...I'm sorry, your husband took it with him."  
  
"My husband?"  
  
"The man who came in to get the rooms. He asked for two rooms and the spare key to one of them. ... Is he not your husband? I'm sorry."  
  
"No, we're not married but it's okay - we get that a lot. Umm...this may sound odd but...did he ask for adjoining rooms?"  
  
"No, he didn't. He asked for one room that had no one in either of the neighbouring rooms and another room with its spare key."  
  
"Did he say why he wanted that arrangement?"  
  
"No. I'm afraid to say that I assumed you and he weren't alone and wanted some privacy for...well, you know..."  
  
"We're not together like that - we're just work partners. Anyway, could you tell me his room number please?"  
  
"Of course - he's in room 68"  
  
"Right, thank you give me his spare key please?"  
  
"No problem, Miss Scully. Here you go. Enjoy your stay."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
Scully left the reception area and made her way towards Mulder's room, puzzled about what the clerk had just told her. She wondered why on earth Mulder would request the spare key to her room and why he had lied to her about the motel being full. Just as she was getting annoyed at his deception she remembered that he had said he'd been having trouble sleeping when she'd asked him earlier. She knew that his sleep was very often troubled by nightmares and, when they involved her, he liked to creep into her room when he woke just to make sure that she was okay. He thought that she was unaware of his nighttime visits as she never spoke of them but she knew that they made him feel better. Knowing that speaking of them to him would cause embarrassment, she pretended that she didn't know, glad that she could help in some way with his nocturnal horrors. Now she realised why he had taken her key and the request for no neighbours - he hadn't wanted to disturb them if he called out in his sleep, as he was often prone to do. What she didn't know was why he had not got them rooms together, why he was not telling her what was wrong.  
  
She reached his room and knocked softly, not really wanting to disturb him if he was already asleep. Receiving no answer, she put her ear to the door to see if she could hear any noise to show that he was even inside. When she heard a low groan come from inside his room, she took out his spare key and quickly opened the door. As she walked in she turned the light on, her eyes scanning the room for Mulder. She spotted his legs through the bathroom door and hurried in to make sure he was okay. As she entered the bathroom, Mulder let out another groan as he stopped his almost incessant dry heaving into the toilet bowl.  
  
Crouching down beside him, Scully rubbed his back and encouraged him to take deep breaths to stop the retching. As he listened to her and did what she said, his stomach muscles stopped clenching and he gladly sank into her waiting arms in exhaustion. She helped him to his feet and they made their way unsteadily to his bed where he immediately sat down and she set about checking his pulse and temperature. Irritated, Mulder waved her hand away from his forehead and turned away from her to get into bed.  
  
"Mulder..."  
  
"Scully, I'm fine."  
  
"You are not fine, Mulder. People who are 'fine' don't need to worship the porcelain God like you have just been doing."  
  
"Scully..."  
  
"Mulder, 'fine people don't look like shit."  
  
"Gee thanks Scully. Just what I wanted to hear."  
  
"Sorry Mulder, but it's true. Now tell me what's up."  
  
"Scully, it's nothing. I just need some sleep...so do you. Go back to your room."  
  
"No, Mulder. There's something bugging you and you've been like this for the past three days so it must be something big. Now I'll ask you again - What's wrong?"  
  
"What's wrong? ...You want to know what's wrong? ...Here I am trying to get some sleep and there you are annoying me with your silly questions. Just leave me alone Scully. I'm tired and I don't have the energy to put up with your badgering so just go away."  
  
"Mulder...I...I'm sorry...I thought you...I was just worried...I came to get my room key. See you in the morning."  
  
Scully looked so hurt and upset by what Mulder had just yelled at her that he instantly felt contrite. He called her name softly before she reached the door and she was back by his side in an instant. He took one of her hands in his and stroked his thumb gently across the back of it before lacing their fingers together. Squeezing it gently, he motioned for her to sit on the edge of the bed and she did, after hurriedly brushing away the traitorous tears that had sprung up when he had shouted. He reached up with his free hand to help her dry her tears and caressed her cheek softly with his hands, forcing her to meet his gaze instead of staring at the bedspread.  
  
"I'm sorry Scully. I didn't mean to shout. I'm just tired - I shouldn't be taking it out on you. Sorry."  
  
"...It's okay, Mulder... I'm just concerned about you, you know. I didn't mean to annoy you."  
  
"I know you didn't and I'll be alright. I just need to get some sleep. Okay?"  
  
"...Are you sure Mulder?"  
  
"Yes I'm sure... Your key's sitting on the dresser. Go back to your room and get some sleep too."  
  
"Well, if you're sure... You know where I am if you need me...for anything."  
  
"Yes I do. I'll see you in the morning Scully."  
  
"Okay. Sleep well."  
  
"You too."  
  
Scully walked out of the door and closed it behind her, missing the look of pain on Mulder's face as he was left alone once again with his memories. Feeling guilty for lying to her, he almost jumped off the bed to call her back but he didn't want her to see him break...well, not really. He did however, long for the comfort she always gave to him when he was hurt or upset - ached for the feel of her arms around him. Sighing, he took off his jeans and T-shirt, throwing them to the floor and turned over in the bed, hoping that he would dream good dreams of Scully but knowing deep down that he wouldn't.  
  
Scully lay in her bed thinking about Mulder, wondering what would be the best course of action for her to take. She debated just leaving him for the night and trying to get him to talk to her in the morning but she quickly realised that she couldn't leave him alone for that long. Getting up off the bed, she quickly wrapped her jacket around her, not bothering to change out of her pyjamas, and slipped her trainers on her feet. As she stood outside his room she had second thoughts and almost turned to go back to her own room but then she heard a sound that made her heart break. Coming from Mulder's room was the sound of sobbing, broken only by repeated, desperate whimpers of her name. Biting her lip to keep from crying herself at the sound of his grief, she pounded hard on the door and called out to him to open it.  
  
Mulder was woken from his nightmare by the noise of her pounding making him get hurriedly out of bed and fling open the door. Seeing her standing there, he stood for a moment in shock and then pulled her forcefully inside, tugging her hair roughly out of the way as he searched her head for wounds. She let out a brief shriek at the unexpected invasion but, when he hugged her after he had finished, she then allowed herself to be held by him, trying to comfort him as best she could. She struggled to unpin her arms, being held to her side by his strong grip, and wound her arms tightly around him when she was successful. He buried his face in her shoulder and let out heart-rending sobs of relief as he realised that, once again, it had not been real - had all been in his head - and she was not dead. His knees began to give way in fatigue and, knowing that she wasn't strong enough to keep both of them upright, Scully started to move them across the room until the backs of Mulder's legs hit the side of the bed.  
  
Mulder sat down on the bed willingly but, when Scully moved to pull away in order to turn back to covers, he wouldn't let her go. She stopped trying to get away and instead pushed him gently backward on the bed, his arms pulling her down too. Lying together on the bed, neither released their grip on the other but both relaxed enough to be comfortable. Scully had realised that Mulder's sobs had long since stopped but he was still trembling in her arms so she rubbed his bare back gently and whispered soothing words in his ear. He eventually calmed down and Scully pulled away very slightly so that she could look into his eyes. Meeting her gaze for a second, Mulder tried to turn his head away but Scully held him there and pressed a gentle kiss to his cheek before resting their foreheads together.  
  
"No Mulder. You're not getting away this time. Tell me what's wrong."  
  
"Scully..."  
  
"I'm not leaving until you tell me."  
  
"I don't want you to leave...I just... I don't want to sleep anymore."  
  
"Were you sleeping before I knocked? Did you have a bad dream?"  
  
"Ummm..."  
  
"I heard you Mulder...you were calling for me in your sleep. Why won't you tell me now that you're awake?"  
  
"Mulder, What happened with Linda Bowman before I got there? Tell me."  
  
"...She...you...I..."  
  
"Take your time Mulder. I'm not going anywhere."  
  
"When I got there, I expected her to be there but you were there instead. You were just standing in the middle of the floor - you looked weird, as if you were trying not to cry. I tried to talk to you but you just said that I was right - that Linda was... You lifted up your arm and I could see the gun, pointing straight at me. I wasn't worried, wasn't hurt or scared. I was only thinking about how I could make sure you were safe."  
  
"Why, Mulder?"  
  
"It didn't matter...I didn't care if you shot me..."  
  
"Mulder...of course it matters...why wouldn't you care?"  
  
"Scully, it DIDN'T matter - it doesn't matter. I knew you'd be safe from me if she got to me - if I were dead she wouldn't be able to make me shoot you like Modell tried to. I guess she tried it anyway - God, she nearly succeeded. I shouted her name to get her to come out but you didn't pull the trigger... you...you turned the gun on...on yourself. You were pleading with me to make her stop but I couldn't do anything. I tried but... you...I wasn't fast enough. I failed...I stood there and watched you take a bullet from your own gun. I tried so hard but I just couldn't stop you...her...I tried.  
  
"Oh Mulder..."  
  
"There was so much blood...you were so still..."  
  
"It wasn't me Mulder, I'm still alive. I'm right here."  
  
"But it WAS you Scully. It looked just like you...sounded just like you and, when I finally reached you, it felt just like you. Yes, you're still alive and for that I'm so thankful you have no idea but...I see you die every time I go to sleep. I don't dare close my eyes because I know I'll see it again, even though I know it didn't happen. Knowing that you're okay doesn't make it any easier to watch 'you' kill yourself over and over and over and..."  
  
Mulder broke off as tears threatened again and Scully pulled him tighter to her, cradling his head in her arms. She rocked him gently and pressed a long, loving kiss onto his head, trying to calm him once more. Realising what he'd been living through, she imagined for a moment what it would have been like if it had been the opposite way round. Just thinking about the horrific image of her partner holding a gun to his head made tears begin to flow, getting lost in Mulder's hair.  
  
Eventually both their tears ceased to flow and their eyes began to droop closed as they held one another. Both of them felt emotionally exhausted although very relieved that they had gotten it out of the way, hopefully meaning that all would be right between them once more. They lay cuddled together on the bed, holding and comforting one another until they both drifted off to sleep, untroubled by nightmares.  
  
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Author's notes: I really like this episode but one thing really bugged me, although it doesn't really have anything to do with the story. Why on earth does Scully not know enough about Mulder to make him believe it's her? I mean Scully in this episode tries to prove it by naming his mother and sister - big wow! Mulder's not much better in Dreamland - he names her mother and brother although he does add that Bill hates him and the thing about the yoghurt. Even so, Scully is so right when she says that anyone would know those things so why don't they say things that only they would know - there must be loads. Anyway, enough of that - I hope you enjoyed the story,  
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